Trauma and loss of self
Trauma has a profound way of reshaping the mind, body, and soul. For many, one of the most disorienting effects of trauma is the loss of self.
It’s not uncommon to feel disconnected from your desires, goals, and even your identity after experiencing trauma. This loss often stems from spending too much time in survival mode—a state designed to protect us in moments of danger but not meant to be sustained.
Let’s explore how trauma leads to a loss of self, its ripple effects on various aspects of life, and how to rebuild a strong sense of identity.
Survival Mode: Why It Happens and How It Affects You
Survival mode is the brain’s and body’s natural response to perceived danger. When faced with trauma—whether it’s a single event or ongoing stress—our nervous system activates the fight, flight, or freeze response to help us survive. This is a powerful and necessary mechanism in the moment, but when trauma goes unresolved, survival mode can linger long after the danger has passed.
In survival mode, your brain prioritizes immediate safety over long-term thinking, which can push personal desires, goals, and values to the background.
The focus shifts to “What do I need to do to get through the next hour, day, or week?” While this survival-first mentality can be lifesaving in the short term, over time, it erodes your connection to who you are and what you want out of life.
How Survival Mode Leads to Disconnection
Personal Desires and Goals
When you’re in survival mode, things like personal aspirations, hobbies, or long-term dreams often feel irrelevant. It becomes difficult—or even impossible—to tune into your desires when all your energy is directed toward avoiding perceived threats. This disconnect can leave you feeling aimless and unsure of your place in the world.
Decision-Making
Survival mode impacts the brain’s prefrontal cortex, the area responsible for rational thinking, planning, and decision-making. Instead of carefully weighing your options, your brain relies on instinctive, split-second choices. Over time, this can make it difficult to trust yourself, leading to indecision or impulsive behaviors.
Relationships
Trauma and survival mode can alter the way you connect with others. You may find yourself withdrawing to avoid vulnerability, becoming hypervigilant in relationships, or struggling to trust people. This can lead to feelings of isolation or a pattern of conflict in your interactions.
Sense of Time
Trauma can also disrupt your perception of time. In survival mode, you might feel stuck in the past, as though the traumatic event is still happening, or hyper-focused on the present moment to avoid future uncertainty. This can make planning for the future seem overwhelming or even impossible.
The Emotional Impact of Losing Your Sense of Self
The loss of self due to trauma can lead to a complex web of emotions. You might feel:
Shame: Wondering why you can’t seem to “move on” or feel normal again.
Confusion: Struggling to understand who you are or what you want.
Grief: Mourning the person you were before the trauma.
Hopelessness: Feeling like you’ll never reconnect with your identity or purpose.
These emotions can compound the effects of trauma, making it even harder to heal without the right support.
Rebuilding a Sense of Self: Tools and Strategies
While the journey to rediscovering yourself isn’t always easy, it’s absolutely possible. Here are some strategies to help you reconnect with your identity and build a life that feels authentic to you.
Validate Your Reality: It’s important to acknowledge that the impact of trauma is real and valid. Allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment. This is the first step toward healing and self-compassion.
Start Small: Rebuilding a sense of self doesn’t require grand gestures. Start by identifying small things that bring you joy or spark curiosity. For example, try revisiting a hobby you loved as a child or experimenting with something entirely new.
Journal to Rediscover Yourself: Write about your values, memories, and dreams—without pressure or expectation. Ask yourself questions like, “What makes me feel at peace?” or “When do I feel most like myself?”
Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness can help you reconnect with the present moment and tune into your inner voice. Simple practices like deep breathing or a body scan meditation can ground you and help you feel more centered.
Create a Values-Based Goal: Instead of focusing on goals tied to productivity or success, set goals that align with your core values. For instance, if connection is important to you, make it a goal to spend more quality time with loved ones.
Separate Your Identity from Your Trauma: It’s easy to let trauma define you, but it’s only one part of your story. Create affirmations that remind you of your strengths and who you are beyond the trauma. For example, “I am resilient, creative, and kind.”
Seek Community: Connecting with others who have experienced similar struggles can help you feel less alone. Look for support groups, online forums, or community events that align with your interests and values.
Supporting Someone Who Has Lost Their Sense of Self
If you know someone struggling with a loss of self, your compassion and understanding can make a meaningful difference. Here are a few ways to help:
Listen Without Judgment: Offer a safe space for them to express their feelings without interruption or advice.
Validate Their Experience: Let them know that their feelings are valid and that it’s okay to grieve the loss of their sense of self. Statements like “It’s understandable that you feel this way” can be comforting.
Be Patient: Healing takes time. Avoid rushing them or minimizing their experience.
Suggest Professional Help: If they’re open to it, encourage them to seek therapy. A trauma-informed therapist can provide tools and strategies to help them reconnect with themselves.
How Therapy Can Help You Heal and Rebuild
Brain-based therapies like Brainspotting and EMDR are highly effective for helping individuals reconnect with their sense of self after trauma. These approaches work by accessing the deeper parts of the brain where trauma memories are stored, allowing individuals to process unresolved emotions safely. By targeting the neurological pathways associated with traumatic experiences, these therapies help reduce emotional distress, dismantle harmful patterns, and restore a sense of identity and control. This deeper healing can pave the way for personal growth and improved self-awareness.
Therapy intensives, an alternative to traditional weekly sessions, allow for deeper, focused work in a shorter time frame. These intensives are particularly beneficial for addressing complex trauma, offering concentrated support to process emotions, develop coping strategies, and reconnect with one's identity.
Read more about trauma therapy here.
Takeaways
Trauma may have disrupted your sense of self, but it doesn’t have to define your future. By taking small, intentional steps and seeking support when needed, you can reconnect with your identity and build a life that feels authentic and fulfilling.
If you’re ready to start your healing journey, I’d love to help. As a trauma therapist serving Oregon and Washington, I specialize in brain-based therapies and trauma recovery. Together, we can work toward rediscovering who you are and creating a future that feels aligned with your true self.
Looking to connect with a trauma therapist who can help you heal from past experiences and rebuild your sense of identity?
Take your first step towards moving out of survival mode and regaining control over your life.
(Oregon & Washington residents only)
About the author
Amanda Buduris is a licensed psychologist providing virtual Brainspotting sessions in Oregon and Washington. In-person services are available for therapy intensives only. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing to best support clients who are looking to feel better faster.
